Bartending for Kids: Non-Alcoholic Cocktails

Bartending for Kids: Non-Alcoholic Cocktails

Yahoo! Answers provide user-to-user solutions that only personal experience could provide. Medical experts may prescribe you pills you’d prefer not to ingest, Yahoo! Answers may land you a homeopathic alternative thanks to someone’s cousin’s friend’s neighbor’s veterinarian’s insurance agent’s exorcist’s aeronautics professor’s melted snowman’s testimonial.

So, while browsing the worthwhile suggestions from Y!A, I stumbled upon this:


“How’s about a ‘My First Stripper Pole’ for her?”

It struck me: what are some tasty and intriguing options for non-alcoholic cocktails? Ignoring virgin variations of standard boozy beverages, here are five I found that any youngster can mix with ease and supervision.


Delicious drink or viable ipecac replacement?

Delicious drink or viable ipecac replacement?

  • 1/2 Cup of Pepsi Cola
  • 1/2 Cup of Milk
  • 1 Tablespoon of Vanilla Extract

This one’s actually a variation on two drinks, one of which I never knew the proper recipe. Pepsi Milk, exactly what it says on the tin [], was infamously introduced via Laverne & Shirley thanks to Penny Marshall’s enjoyment of the concoction []. Considering I was recently introduced to the wonder that is Peanut Butter and Bologna, who was I to judge?

Seriously, though, try that sandwich out.

The vanilla stems from a soda variation made for me at C.W.’s [] in Wooster, OH. My fellow Xi Chi (yes, fraternity, deal with it) J. Greg would offer this up whenever he was working, and it was delicious. My extent of knowledge of the recipe stopped at “pop and vanilla,” although there was likely something else in the drink. You might expect this to taste somewhat like Pepsi Vanilla or Vanilla Coke, but the C.W.’s mixture was much richer, delectable, and filling.

So, as an homage to J. Greg with a variation that Laverne might rubber stamp, I suggest the Flapjack.

Depending on the freshness of milk, variety of soda, and amount of vanilla, you might end up with an opponent for the Root Beer Float, or you could end up with a dirty glass and wasted liquid. Life’s too short not to give it a shot.

Besides, Japan already jumped on the milk-flavored cola with Pepsi Pink []. Don’t let them dominate us in the soda-weirdness market like they have with general odditude.

Mountain Dang

Eh, close enough.

Eh, close enough.

  • 1 can of Mountain Dew (1.5 cups)
  • Add Tang until satisfied (which could be never)

Ever wanted to feel like an astronaut whose mission is to be the fastest man to land on the moon of Diabetes? Well, Mountain Dang (pronounced \’maun-ten daaaaaaaaaaaaang\) will get you fueled for your mission.

For kids, this is just about as simple as it gets; they can take their practice of mixing mud and water and put their skills to the test. For parents or babysitters, this is a recipe for the ultimate sugar rush. At least the Flapjack would give them some of that calcium kids need without the unwieldy amounts of sugar. Mountain Dew’s 77g combined with Tang’s 23g will require a bouncy house to properly contain any imbibers.

At least they’ll be nice and unconscious when the sugar crash commences.

Prairie Oyster



  • 1 egg
  • Hot Sauce/Tabasco
  • Worcestershire Sauce
  • Salt and Pepper
  • 1 Prayer

Yeah, the Flapjack just keeps looking tastier by comparison, doesn’t it?

Normally a non-alcoholic version of a Bloody Mary, this drink is branded as a hangover cure. If you believe “vomiting up anything left in your stomach” helps you feel better after a booze binge, then by all means do your thing.

There are three reasons to allow your young ward to attempt this monstrous medley of muck:

  1. They want to pretend to be a highfalutin Rocky Balboa.
  2. You want to teach them the horrors of drinking at a young age.
  3. They ingested poison.

(WARNING: Drinking or eating raw eggs could be hazardous to your health. Also, it’s repugnant.)


Back to my roots.

Back to my roots.


Wait, shouldn’t “Suicide” be the name of the last drink we covered?


This is likely the first true  drink mixing a child should attempt. The morbidly-named beverage is the Calvinball of drinks: there are no rules, the creation is different each time, and you could end up hating yourself for partaking, but you’ll never regret it.

That's the stuff.

That’s the stuff.

Next time you’re at a fast food restaurant or anywhere that has a soda fountain, relive this. Hell, ask for it next time you’re at a bar. Make sure they’re light on the Sprite, heavy on the 7UP.

Chocolate Milk

Oh, sorry for the confusion, but both straws are for me.

Oh, sorry for the confusion, but both straws are for me.

  • 1 part Cowjuice
  • As much chocolate syrup or powder as you deem fit

Yes, while the Suicide is the first drink children should create on their own, Chocolate Milk is the first one they’ll likely taste. I mean, what’s a cocktail besides mixing different things and then gulping down the result?

The history of chocolate milk is as muddled as an overly-cocoa’d cream, but the origin of milk chocolate is well-documented [], so we can hope that the creation was around the same time. Perhaps it was a Reese’s-type accident with cocoa falling into milk, or maybe it was the result of a savvy equal rights advocate who was tired of the segregation of dark chocolate and white milk.

But who cares where the concoction originated? It’s delicious, it’s somewhat-nutritious; and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s this:

Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.

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