Samoa Less: Ranked Girl Scout Cookies

Samoa Less: Ranked Girl Scout Cookies

Random fact: did you know that Girl Scout cookies are made by two different bakeries, and that the separation is why the same cookies have differing names? ABC Bakers, who have been making these cookies since 1936, stick with descriptive names: Peanut Butter Patties, Peanut Butter Sandwiches, and Shortbreads. Little Brownie Bakers tend to use unique or catchy names: Tagalongs, Do-si-dos, and Trefoils.

While the two entities can’t decide on titles, there are five constants many of us can agree on when it comes to Girl Scout cookies:

  1. Everything seems to get smaller each year; whether it’s the size of the box, the lineup, or the cookie itself.
  2. The price is the only thing that grows.
  3. Despite the aforementioned setbacks, we still can’t say no to the troops hawking by the grocery carts.
  4. It’s all for a fine cause based on location.
  5. They taste so damn good.

That last part is a bit of a sticking point. Yes, it’s hard to deny the deliciousness of these baked goods, but who’s to say which ones are worth more than others?

I guess I’ll have to take it upon myself to shove cookies in my mouth until I can declare a winner.

Tastebuds: 1; Pancreas: 0.

Thanks-A-Lots, Dulce de Leches, Mango Cremes, and Thank U Berry Muches will not be ranked. This is due to either not being able to find them or because I already have six boxes of cavity-inducing delectables. Though, by some sources, it might not be a shame that I missed out on Mango Cremes. Your call.

6. Samoas

What I imagine the devil tastes like.

What I imagine the devil tastes like.

This might be the biggest issue of the bunch. Most people laud Samoas as their favorite of the Girl Scout bunch. Some might even claim this as their favorite cookie, even outside the troop brand.

Fie on you!

My first interaction with a Samoan was by watching Rikishi in the WWF/WWE, and my first taste of a Samoa was around the same time. Both were when I was young, foolish, and knew not better. My ignorance led to my downfall when it came to the cookie. I saw the package and instantly though that Samoas were miniature versions of Star Crunch, the chocolate and caramel Little Debbie snack that resembles a circular combination of Milky Way and Nestle Crunch.

I felt wronged after the first bite.

Coconut? COCONUT?! Yech. Let my man Woody Harrelson explain my issue (NSFW Language):

While this pick might be considered heresy, be proud that I attempted another go at all. Anything for Hobbes Lives.

5. Trefoils

You won't even know it's there.

You won’t even know it’s there.

These might be as plain as a cookie can get. Shortbread is about as offensive as the bottom half of the TV Guide channel. They’re very enjoyable as a quick snack, but there are minimal qualities to savor. Trefoils offer a nice alternative to those who’ve lost some semblance of taste due to smoking, age, or a habit of coating their tongues in candle wax.

Yes, I chose the one cookie that you might not recall eating over your precious Samoas.

4. Do-si-dos

Usually I use bread for a peanut butter sandwich, but I'll take this.

Usually I use bread for a peanut butter sandwich, but I’ll take this.

Now we’re getting into the worthwhile snacks.

I’ve surprised myself by ranking this cookie so low. I used to pound these by the sleeve. I’d eat them like an Oreo: twist apart the cookie, eat one half, lick off the peanut butter, and chase it with the other side of the cookie. Fantastic.

But something’s changed. Maybe it’s the grittiness of the cookie part that’s turned me off just a smidge. Perhaps the way the peanut butter seems to become more attached to my gums as the years go by that keeps me content enough not to have another cookie but not satisfied enough to stop eating. It’s a strange amalgamation of contentment and emptiness.

I might also be the only person that would want more oatmeal taste to the cookie. When will LBB take my suggestion for custom cookies?

3. Thin Mints

Thin mints; fat gut.

Thin Mints; fat gut.

The classic Girl Scout cookie. Thin Mints are the immediate response to “Girl Scout cookie” word association. Everyone knows them, but not many seem to have it as their favorite. It’s like the Harry Potter series: you initially think of the titular character, but your preferred wizard is likely another member of the Rowling franchise.

Dark chocolate-covered angst.

Dark chocolate-covered angst.

Add some strawberry ice cream as a dip, and we’re in business. Now, if only I could find my insulin.

2. Savannah Smiles

If my name was Savannah, this would be truth in advertising.

If my name was Savannah, this would be truth in advertising.

This relatively new addition to the Girl Scout repertoire shot up in stature within just a year of existence. These cookies defy the standard circular shape and take on a biscuit form.

Actually, I would liken these to biscotti fused with a lemon-filled jelly donut. The powdered sugar is a great textural touch, and the lemon taste doesn’t overpower your tongue. I don’t often use the word “piquant,” but that’s definitely a solid description of these treats.

I’ve determined that I need more coffee when eating these, but I tend to run out of cookies before finishing my coffee; therefore, leading to snagging more Smiles and consuming all my coffee, something that needs to be rectified.

It’s a vicious, delicious cycle.

1. Tagalongs

Inaccurate picture: no one can avoid shoving the whole cookie into their mouth.

Inaccurate picture: no one can avoid shoving the whole cookie into their mouth.

Chocolate. Peanut butter. Reese got it right with his cups. I got it right when I realized I could just dip my chocolate bar into a jar of peanut butter. The Girl Scouts got it right when bringing on this god of bakery delights.

I tend to put many candy bars in the freezer before eating them. Charleston Chews’ packages encourage you to do so. This is wholeheartedly my preferred method for chomping on Reese’s Cups.

But a cookie? Who freezes a cookie? When they’re the wafer version of the above cups, I do. This is not a method of preservation; there’s no way you’re going to wait long enough for Tagalongs to spoil before mowing through them.

Test it out. I accept cash as a thank you.

Have you purchased you dozen boxes of Girl Scout cookies yet? Did you illicitly buy them from Honey Boo Boo? Has your favorite variety been discontinued, or are you still snatching up your preferred cookie by the pallet? Let me know!

All Girl Scout cookie images via their official website.

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