Hobbes Lives Presents: All the Marbles – Introduction
March holds many key milestones and dates within its weeks. For instance, there’s the day that Julius Caesar fell onto a bunch of knifes (don’t feel comfortable just declaring others as murderers), a possibility of Easter, and “If Dogs and Cats Had Opposable Thumbs” Day. There wouldn’t be a link to it if I was making it up. Also, I’m not entirely sure I’d be showing my face in public if that was my creation, but to each his or her insanity.
But those are just days. Days come and go, but weeks come and go at a much slower pace. That’s why the excitement of March Madness exudes throughout all red-blooded males and office environments. With the tournament underway, everyone’s focus has gone from focusing on work spreadsheets to bracket spreadsheets. Big leap.
Hard to admit it, but sports aren’t for everyone, especially collegiate ones. Yes, even this month-long “holiday” isn’t for everyone. 68 teams (64 when it starts to rev up) are overwhelming for the casual fan to follow or choose from, and it doesn’t help if said fan isn’t even casual about their disdain for college basketball.
This has led many sites to create parody or offshoot tournaments for funsies. That’s all well and good, especially since Star Wars has an official one, but it showcases peers against peers. That’s how ALL tournaments go: competitors who exist in the same field competing for a trophy.
Not at Hobbes Lives. No, sir. We’ve decided to come up with FOUR themed mini-brackets that pit characters and items from all walks of life, both real and fictional, against one another. Imagine Super Smash Bros., but instead of Nintendo characters we have technology vs. musical characters, spawn of the internet head-to-head with historical figures, and so on.
To ensure a balanced playing field, each of 4 brackets containing 8 combatants is themed. This has allowed the writers to determine their personal champions per field. While some of the seeding (numerical placement) was justified, most of it was randomized to keep one writer from battling another more than once.
Without further ado or adon’t, we at Hobbes Lives present…
ALL THE MARBLES!
And our first bracket stems from this region:
THE BADASS CONFERENCE (BAC)
The goal of this bracket is pretty self-explanatory: which of these fighters elicits the most visceral of screams? Who on this list could wear their sunglasses at night or inside without question? Which would not only leave you speechless, but also would finish your sentence for you so you wouldn’t appear as a fool?
Our entries are seeded as follows:
- Jason Bourne of the Bourne movies. A highly-trained assassin with memory issues. On the run, but how long can his legs hold out?
- Axe Cop of the self-titled webcomic. The creation of a 5-year-old, a police officer with a literal axe to grind and dinosaur best friend. Will he finally run into a bad guy too much for his mustache to handle?
- Sub-Zero of the Mortal Kombat games. A master of ice and decapitation, this ninja can be simultaneously frozen and toasty. Does he have more to worry about than Scorpion?
- Pam Poovey of Archer. Appearing harmless and being anything but, this HR Director will put back a 12-pack while putting you down. Can someone turn the dolphin into tuna?
- Dread Pirates Roberts of The Princess Bride book. A title more than a man, just the name of this being sends fear throughout the body. Is his ship about to be sunk?
- Orin Scrivello of the Little Shop of Horrors musical. This dentist gasses himself to enhance his enjoyment of causing pain. Will he receive a green thumbs down?
- Unmanned Aerial Vehicle or UAV. With no risk of endangering a passenger, this machine can wreck itself and others without abandon. How long can it drone on?
- Fridtjof Nansen of Norway. From the North Pole to WWI, this man is personified awe. Can he add a win to his massive list of accomplishments?
A new list of challengers approach!
INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT ASSOCIATION (IQA)
A battle of the brains, this bracket will set aside muscle for craft, manipulation, imagination, and wit. Who would most intimidate your gray matter? Who screams the magna cum loudest? Which has already out-thought you before you could draw inspiration?
And the seeding:
- Leonardo da Vinci. A man who needs no introduction, mostly because he probably invented the art of intros, his fantastic creations still inspire to this day. Will he be the Vitruvian Man or Mouse?
- Mrs. Lovett of Sweeney Todd. The brains behind the brutality, her meat pies are so tasty that you won’t even question her. Will the guilt get to her before a competitor can?
- Danny Ocean of the Ocean films. This suave, charismatic, and crafty gent can take down the most secure locations without a peep. Is his luck about to run out?
- Phoenix Wright of the Ace Attorney games. Investigative and headstrong, you’ll have no objections to his intellect. Could this be his final case?
- Felicia Day of The Guild and Geek & Sundry. Crafting a successful career by staying true to her roots, she knows how to create a business and steal the hearts of nerds. Is her guild going to disband?
- Atticus Finch of the written To Kill a Mockingbird. A man who always does what’s right in a troubled land, his wisdom penetrates the surrounding ignorance. Will he lose this trial?
- The Internet. An ever-growing hub of information, this being has no current bounds. Can someone pull its plug?
- Phil Dunphy of Modern Family. His wisdom occasionally ignored, it always rings true when listened to. Will this cool dad LOL, or will he have to ask WTF (why the face)?
EXTREMELY VILE LEAGUE (EVL)
The worst of the baddest, these competitors will ruin your body and soul without a second thought. Who makes you quiver in your boots? Which will draw forth the most tears? Who, when you close your eyes, will you see etched on the inside of your eyelids?
And now, the seeds:
- Man of The Most Dangerous Game. With nothing left to lose, what wouldn’t man do? Hunt or be hunted. Will he make it off the island and out of this tournament?
- Nuclear Bombs. An unknown threat with known power, this weapon can decimate instantly and in the long-term. Is this one a dud?
- Genghis Khan. This brutal ruler had equal parts ambition, power, and heartlessness. Is his empire about to crumble?
- Commodus of Gladiator. Unable to win a father’s affection can turn a man to wicked, unnatural deeds. Can he enter the ring and leave intact?
- The Thénadiers of Les Misérables. This duo barely looks out for each other much less anyone else, and their conniving ways often lead to victory. Will they avoid execution this time?
- QWOP. This internet phenomenon can cause ulcers and aneurysms with skewed physics and impossible tasks. Will this keyboard-kid flop about?
- Anthony Jeselnik of The Jeselnik Offensive. “Too far” and “too soon” escape this comedian’s vocabulary, and he’s not going to start pulling punches now. Is this his last laugh?
- Luigi of Super Mario fame. The eternal second banana, the oft-forgotten brother is about to dish out some revenge. 1up or 1down?
And the final bracket:
DUKE NUKEM FOREVER HONORARY GROUP FOR THE OVERHYPED AND OVERRATED
Like the aforementioned game, this list of battlers is based on a trait not of merit but of disappointment. Many of these were touted as the “next best thing” or “incredibly innovative” while showcasing mediocrity or worse. Choices may be controversial, but each has justification for being part of DNF.
Our final seeds are:
- 3D Movies. Pricey and rarely effective, these movies offer very little over their 2D counterparts. Will someone hit a movie with glasses?
- Pierce Hawthorne of Community. Hailed as a comeback for an aging actor, this role offers little but petulant lines and a Yoko Ono vibe. Is this moist towelette tycoon drying up?
- Norma Desmond of Sunset Boulevard. This former starlet refuses to believe that she’s not the hit she used to be. Is this a wrap for her?
- Sheik of Ocarina of Time. This princess-turned-sheikah might not be all he/she’s cracked up to be. Is Sheik about to be triforced out of here?
- Tony Montana of Scarface. Barely indicative of a gangster, this cokehead is a role model for those with poor choices. Can it be time to say goodbye to his little friend?
- Apple’s “unforgettable” Beatles/iTunes announcement. A company known for their groundbreaking achievements, the hype seemed decades too late. Will the stock plummet further?
- Great Leap Forward from China. Mao Zedong’s baby led to more ruin than revival. Is this the end of the red in the east?
- Frodo Baggins of The Lord of the Rings books. A glorified ring bearer, this hobbit exceeded and needed others to pull him from the fire. Will he finally disappear for good?
Which entrants will come out victorious? While this seems like madness, we’ll be doing this all March and throughout April until we have a winner for each bracket. Expect bloodshed, brutality, craftiness, and plenty of surprises as our combatants duke it out in the Hobbes Lives ring!